Finding out that grief is a tricky thing. I have been grieving relationships that I never had. Funny how sometimes, we can think we have overcome an area of pain, for decades, only to find that there is still another layer of heartache to deal with, that is underlying. Realizing that my grief of not being loved; that my recurring parental abandonment, which I thought was now just leftover scarring, is actually not a scar yet, but still a wound that oozes hurt into every pore and into every facet of me. The feeling of not being loved; of being unlovable by everyone, creates a loneliness that hurts deep into my bones. I can't seem to shake it.
Realizing that grieving can take much longer than I thought, or expected, or hoped, and realizing that I may grieve for my whole life, which feels...overwhelming to even think about. I certainly hope I can somehow allow this wound to be a wound but yet be able to stop mentally picking at the wound so that it can at least close up some. Because it hurts, so much, and it affects every area of my life.
I am going about my day to day, and the overly-busy schedule helps mask and deflect the pain I'm feeling, lately. However, I have been feeling worse instead of better, this year. This wound re-opened back in the fall of 2014, when life brought up some realizations about God, and about those around me, and it's just been a downhill spiral from there. Grief is tough. I want to be authentic and share, in case anyone else reads this and feels alone in their journey of grief and loneliness, or in case I am able to look back at this entry, years from now, and be thankful for how far I've come, in healing.
And I hope I can continue to look for the good, and to try to notice the ways that I am cared about- and that I can be a joy-seeker, and not a wound-picker. Trying to be contagious, and also courageous, in my authenticity.
