Know what I mean?
I keep receiving a bunch of texts/messages/emails (and even received a devotional book in the mail! So sweet!) from folks. Old friends, newer friends, even people I barely know. Who are all being so kind and trying to encourage me to turn back to God. Scriptures keep being sent, song lyrics shared, sermons to listen to...so many people say they are praying for me. So many people keep asking if we can get together to "talk about it." Seems like people miss the "Jesus-y Jen."
The fact is, I know all of the verses. I have memorized them, taught and prayed them in Bible studies and Sunday school, had my boys read and memorize them when they were little. I know all of the songs. I've read the devotionals. I've heard the sermons. For about 17 years.
There is not a single Bible verse, or any other word or prayer for my heart, that is going to make me want to live for God (or raise my kids to live for God) anymore. There just isn't.
The only one who can fix this relationship between God and I- is God. And the only way I am going to listen or care is if God fixes it. He allowed the Lego club situation last fall, and if He does not want to show me that He is just then I don't want to be in this relationship any longer. He can do His thing and I will do mine. No biggie. Truly. I wasn't sure if I could figure out how to live without God in my life, but guess what. I can. And life is good.
Actions speak louder than words. I'm all set with the words. I want to see action. And then we'll talk, God and I. It's just one of those things. It is what it is. No amount of kind words or prayers lifted up for me are going to change that, as sweet of a sentiment those things are.
